This cookie i'm eating tastes like pizza. It was so worth contacting my sister for pot.
I trust that you have thought of something completely illegal for us to do this weekend.
buying my parents vodka for Christmas is like buying a normal person socks.
I wonder if he has realized that I have poured all if those shots he bought into the tip jar
I feel like saying your blowjobs are worth a burrito is not the best strategy to get him to be more giving in bed.
Soo I woke up in the storage room at best western....I dont even know what say
I own a halfway home for drunk girls, this is my life
1) I'm a decent drunk texter. 2) My world is spinning. 3) I'll give you a dollar and a hug for a glass of water. 4) I love you. 5) Example: your penatrive ways are overwhelming my alternative lyfestyle. 6) That is all.
7) Noodle arms: engage
The example was me just using big words while hammered. You're welcome. Ambidextrious. I spelled it right.
I was trying to pee in the bushes and the person who lived in the house where the bushes were planted started knocking on the window to get me to stop peeing in their bushes
Good friends go out of their way to crop dust your ex not once but twice. I knew we were friends for a reason
Remember that cop that blew me in the parking lot a few weeks ago? He's possibly with his wife and kids shopping at Target.
If not, I can murder my liver twice...it's like a cat, it has 9 lives
wasn't that the evening we made out with the girls from the dental school, drank 3000 beers, almost had to beat up a guy at the strip club and James nailed some hot piece of tail and took her OSU windbreaker, which my dad went on to wear multiple times after finding it in the garage.
Yes. To all of that. Yes.
I just ran into my psychology professor at Planned Parenthood she asked why I was there and I asked why she was there and it turns out we both had a scare.#bonding because of abortion.
So turns out my new assistant isn't really my assistant. The owner needed a title for his FWB so his wife wouldn't catch on. I got a three hundred a month credit limit boost on my corporate credit card instead.
Randomize
