why do my parents always seem to be having way more sex than i do?
We have to go find her fucking car. She came home from a 80 dollar cab ride, no shoes, and all she remembers is its at a burger king on a street with an H in it
she just asked me to help her create a twitter page for edward cullen's hair.... seriously.
I noticed how good my hair still looked. Apparently rum and coke in it helps it stay curly thru sex. May be using this more often.
The bartender just told me he would have me face down in his pillow by the end of the night. I hate when you make me go to gay clubs.
No it's okay, we're just driving to random places with the portable stripper pole and causing a ruckus.
Oh that's normal
I have your car and your sandals. My shoes are somewhere under the puke couch. Safari time.
trapped on the roof of the strip club. help
Best surprise in my car. A cookie, sliced kiwi and the rest of my margarita. Work is going to be awesome.
Id have to say flaming beer pong was a royal success.
I don't feel bad about fucking old guys. That's what I want. It's what I likeeeeee.
I can hear my family downstairs singing Christmas carols as I masturbate
just woke up on my patio with a mouse eating cheetos off mys chest. youre all assholes.
YO. MCGRIDDLES.
Come home... I’m drinking and playing with knives
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