I woke up and my panties were thumbtacked to his wall. Out of my reach.
he's legally blind and likes the sound of my voice, good enough for me.
If someone cleans their bathroom and shaves their crotch for you you kinda have to admit the relationship to facebook
I wasn't expecting a boner of this magnitude
She just referred to her vagina as "this bitch".
my parents have to start far too many of our conversations with the sentence "this is an observation, not a judgment" than I'm proud of
Your mission, should you decide to accept it, is to pick up rum, beer, and cigarettes. Your holiday will self-destruct if you ignore this message.
We should. Taco Bell definitely gives me the shits though.
It's girls night. No shame, just febreeze
I was jerking him off and in two seconds he went from "oh yeah that feels good" to "what day is Thanksgiving again?" and then back again. Like wtf.
... drunk me broke the coffee table?
STOP TALKING ABOUT YOURSELF IN THE THIRD PERSON. YOU DID THE THING.
We have a great relationship based on communication, sex, and mutual loathing.
I HAVE A FLAME THROWER. COME SEE IT. IT’S SAFE AND WORKS.
If I die tonight somebody's going to have to let all my tinder matches know.
I just bought a handle of tequila and a breakfast burrito. I might be out of money for the weekend, but at least I have the necessities covered.
They are in the bedroom next door. We might have a threesome idk. Jesus take the wheel.
GO. DO.
I am Jesus and I am taking the wheel.
Randomize
