Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
I just peed in the Schreyer honors college shrubbery. Thanks honors students, you're finally good for something
Hold on. She's wrapped herself in toilet paper and is scaring the dog.
Too many margaritas?
I told my dad that bagels were the equilelent of angels kisses and if he bought me one i would do a split
I don't think he realizes it but he was stroking the faucet while he was talking to me.
She had a baby and now works at Hooters. She is the poster child for peaking in high school.
Looking for the remote in the couch. Finding Adderall beads. Considering utilizing.
She was the shot vending machine at the party. But free.
Two words that describe last night: naked and backflips.
Halloween is the only night where I would ever end up getting a guy's makeup all over my face
Still at home. Videotaping hamsters.
NO FUCKING RANDOMS IN AN ALLEY
I JUST PETTED A FUCKING SQUIRREL. A SQUIRREL.
there's no judgement here...i was recently just fingered in my dorm hallway while having a conversation with 5 people.
What happened lastnight it looks like I had sex with edward scissor hands....my back is so messed up
my bad i broke a mirror over your back
Randomize
