high people should be assigned attendants
haha you were so trashed that you deleted all of your christian music from itunes and kept saying"c-ya God, nice knowin ya"
Went to my car this morning. Found a waffle from Waffle House in the front seat. No idea how it got there. So hung over I ate it.
Just saw a woman with a Pomeranian in her bra. Way to step up your game Seattle.
sorry bout that man. went out to pay the pizza boy, ended up hooking up with some random drunk girl that thought i was someone else
I love that my idea of a romantic gesture to you is to send you a picture of my vomit saying "wish you were here". You voluntarily dated me. For six years ish.
i decided this morning while eating my breakfast of red bull and cold pizza that i should take a vow of celibacy
After seeing all of the pics during the trial, all I could think was "her vagina doesn't look THAT dangerous"
I asked for my Beats earbuds back and he sent me a pic of them tied around his penis. Now I miss both my great ear buds and his great dick
Wake your sexy ass up. It's donut time.
It's a sad day when you can't take off your pants and drink a margarita at work.
He said I was really mad at him on Friday. Dude I fell asleep in all my clothes and shoes, with my flashlight on, on my phone... I could have been mad at the wall. It wasn't my classiest day.
Well, he was my lawyer and now we get drunk and hook up.
That explains the way he looks at you.
You walked around in your costume going up to every guy saying "I'm a squirrel, give me your nuts"
There’s so much sex at the hospital I’m beginning to think scrubs were invented to make duty booty easier
Randomize
