I seriously love my fucking boobs. They are so boobs.
don't go back without me... they'll know i'm pooping.
I'm going to start giving girls scratch off lottery tickets when they leave my place in the am. That way they have a chance of not regretting the night before
I just finished deleting miscellaneous contacts from my phone ... time for a HIV test!
I think the multiple Sunday morning sirens outside my window are a plot by the cops to get back at me for the shit we pulled last night. Or I should move to a better area.
The fire alarm went off at 3 am in the freshmen dorm. So guess which junior everyone now knows is hooking up with a freshman? This girl...
Nothing like moscato in your sinuses tobmake your night complete
Let's just not urinate on things that don't need to be urinated on
NOLA update. Went to Corey Smith at the house of blues last night. Drank PBR and took lots of shots of Jack. Too drunk, cabbed it to the hotel and fell asleep while having sex. Not my finest moment. Now I'm in court. I can't wait to be your attorney.
And if you ever tell anyone that I have emotions ill kill you
So the woman who sold us weed at the park is pregnant. With another small child. And the basket she used to carry the joints is decorated with Barney stickers.
She's like a yuppie Nancy Botwin. She just gets better and better.
You were wearing a sequin mini, with Tevas. And you still got laid.
Wanna get business drunk and go play golf?
All I know is when I asked you how many fingers I was holding up, you said "Hippo"
I want to ride that like one of the Horsemen of the Apocalypse- with bourbon in hand and without mercy.
Randomize
