he wouldn't shut up and let me sleep
yeah i got into a fight with my man last night
why can't men just shut up and put out?
I opened my browser to a doctor page titled "serious pain under left side of ribcage". Last night must have been healthy.
You are just a treasure cave of fabulous alcoholic ideas.
does it count as a threesome if she tried to blow the dude who was passed out next to us?
he peed on his own floor last night after we left the bar. pretty much sums up how i feel about the evening
I can't take any time off so I'll be here drinking mimosas til I puke at home with my kitty
Shit ive learned: when going out to a party, always wear a bathing suit underneath just in case theres a pool with a roof next to it
Bro, did you watch that scooby doo porn I sent to you?
He broke up with me because "we're at different points in our lives" I think it's because he saw a drag queen with their hand halfway down my pants
I just walked past a guy banging a chick in the back of his car.
I woke up this morning with a tampon in my nose and food EVERYWHERE...
Hey, taking organic chemistry means no one is allowed to tell you you're partying too hard.
At least they play good movies in the waiting room of the pregnancy resource center.
sorry for the random call. He stopped mid-sex because he wanted confirmation that I was really a reverend.
It's less than a hour into 2020 and I already want to punch some people in the face
Randomize
