My mom gets in bar fights. She doesn't go to bed early.
Well, I woke up with a text message from my cab driver that said "I hope you're alive," so that's a good indicator of how I was acting last night.
I think they called the cops after 15 minutes of you shaking their clothes line like the ultimate warrior and calling out hulk hogan
got high to the hills theme song. FEEL THE RAIN ON YOUR SKIN. no regrets.
Im in mikes bed telling my vagina I'm sorry in advance.
Can't even walk I haven't tried talking but I probably can't do that either
Yeah, you went up to him and said "I stare at people until they feel obligated to talk to me."
I don't think I will ever be as happy about anything as this man next to me on the bus eating Taco Bell.
I feel like parents watching our children. You want to step in and help them but you just have to let them make their mistakes
She's going to hate me
Yeah well one of her many personalities always hates you.
The rest will just start to agree
well a fat roach just fell out of my hair. so there's that
If I spent my amateur stripper money does that mean I am cleansed of my sins?
No other awkward car ride can beat the one you give your drug dealer home.
I'm dedicating this beer to drunk texting
He held my hand in public and I nearly came. Like he needs to be inside of me yesterday.
Randomize
