OMFG I JUST SAW SOMEONE GIVING SOMEONE ELSE ROAD HEAD AND THEY HIT A POTHOLE. my day has been officially made.
I just tried to unlock my house with the car remote
I knew my chances of getting laid had increased after she walked into my room and yelled "DICK TIME"
Seriously. You just grinded your ass all over the heisman trophy's dick. I want you to think about that.
He legit pounded my cooking wine, because he was to cheap to buy beer. He is so not getting any.
First and foremost she's my friend, but she's also a mistake I make when I'm drunk
Why do you need me to cover for work?
I wouldn't say NEED but lets just say I smell like guacamole and semen.
Fucking her was like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
IT ISN'T. I'M A LITTLE HIGH.
YOU'RE ALWAYS A LITTLE HIGH.
NO. IT'S RARE THAT I'M A LITTLE HIGH. I'M ALWAYS HIGH AS FUCK. THERE'S A DIFFERENCE.
Getting your clit pierced is not something you want to trust to a crazy girl with an ice cube, some vodka, and a sewing needle. Trust me. I learned that the hard way.
Well I think won that argument, as the cops were leaving, they offered me a ride to the airport
I'm gonna take a crap in the portashitter like a civilized human being.
Life lesson: if a hot naked girl tells you to spit on something, you spit on it. No questions.
I think I just scared the sex out of my booty call. He saw me at the grocery store using one of those "future mother" parking spots right next to the handicap ones. He just made eye contact and drove off. I regret my laziness.
It's confirmed. I have two dates on Saturday, and they are both named Mike.
Randomize
