Is it gay to rub my penis between my butt cheeks and pretend that they're tits?
Wow! You need to get laid.
having to delete all your hookups stored in your phone as first name followed by frat/bar after they've graduated is such a bittersweet feeling
Exactly. wat kind of friend would i be if i even pretended to give a shit about ur problems
You tried to convince our cab driver that your $2 bill was worth $11.70
I was high enough to think that mac-n-cheese w/ ketchup, tortilla chips w/ ketchup, and milk was a fancy dinner
I'don't know who your are but its that time a day. Drunk it up. Did you buy a House for goundhogs days?
You did a jig for the bouncer when you saw him. Just reminding you.
Oh, and that ugly chick transformed into a veritable goddess when she came back at 3AM with a handle of vodka and 100 chicken wings
You called in. Quitter. You stayed at home naked drinking again didnt you.
You have to figure out where to put this turtle dude
New found love of volunteering, when there's free wine available at all times. Good times. And I get to to feel good about helping people.
I got really upset at the McDonald's worker. They should serve nuggets 24/7. Apparently 5am is breakfast for some people.
i'm gonna friendzone myself so you dont have to
I'm pretty sure I just won at life. I touched the bushy tail of a squirrel while he had his mouth full and was digging in a plant on campus. That is all.
Divorce can be hard, but look on the bright side. Your soon to be ex raved about your dick and I’m great with hard things ;-)
Randomize
