The child next door sounds like he's having vigorous sex in the backyard and it's making me very, very uncomfortable. I don't want to look.
i realized that the internet ruins the joy of a father passing down playboys to his son
I just found out my first birthday was a keg party. Suddenly everything makes sense
Checked out the free sonogram van on campus and got a free DVD of my sweet food baby.
I want a vodka facial right about now. I'm talking about straight vodka bukkake
Does it make me a prostitute if I accepted a Life House concert ticket for giving this guy head?
No. It just means your good at giving head.
She threw all the patio furniture in the pool saying she was building a castle.
I feel like after all he sees, the dog needs to get baptized.
Have invented new cocktail. Any flavor of crystal light and vodka. I call it "I am going to die alone"
I just smoked a joint and ate a sandwich while watching someone get arrested. Bonnaroo is a silly place.
I think you just described to us the most perfect drunken fairy tale that has somehow never been written
It's like the drive of shame on fucking Christmas. Happy birthday Jesus
Is it bad I have to get shitty ass drunk on a Monday night because I can't adult?
did i get sucker punched in the face last night or was our make-out session just that intense?
The only good thing about 2020 is that the hot flight attendant neighbors are using my pool a lot. If i can keep them from wandering into my Zoom meeting with my boss I’m golden
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