Did u know that at any givin time there r 46,948,952 drunk people in the world? Were not alone
Saw some pubes in our toilet, hope the new look works out tonight.
I like complaining with weaving words and complex sentences. It makes me seem more sophisticated and less bitchy.
Just grabbed my laptop and a beer to take a shit. Mom gave me a look of disgust. I miss college.
I don't care how hot he got, I can't get past the PTSD flashbacks of the first time he fingered me
You were high and telling me you felt like Pinocchio and that fire was bad for wood.
That dick who always called me a slut in high school showed up at the clinic with boner problems. Then I was assigned as his nurse. Who's laughing now. I AM.
You couldn't find your shoe so you introduced yourself as Cinderella for the rest of the night.
Ahh that explains the text from creepy mike saying he would be my prince charming.
I know everybody has skeletons in their closet but why are all of mine so slutty?
there was 'chicken suit porn' in my search history.......also 'scuba diving porn'
And the cops are back. At least my pants are on this time
Yeah. Still not happy that my prof saw a picture of my vag.
It's amazing the amount I can accomplish with a glass of wine in my hand.
I thought my neighbors locked me out of the building. Then I remembered I was drunk. PUSH AND TURN.
you never keep up with shots anymore
I'm trying to be more responsible these days
you fucking tried to take your pants off and pee in Taco Bell's parking lot
Randomize
