is it wrong that I prefer my women with low self esteem and a smidgen of an eating disorder?
I hope you have a really shitty weekend. I love you.
I just put lube in Matt's bellybutton. He looks unhappy.
nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
I wasn't on board with that statement until "home made dinosaurs"
you know you made some mistakes when your last two boyfriends are both obsessed with women's curling...
The slot machines are wishing me happy birthday. Mission success.
I got shot at last night. Lesson about married chicks: learned.
Just had a 10 minute long conversation with my cat about how if I died, and he needed to eat me to live, I'd totally be ok with it. Definitely still drunk.
I have straight up perfected the art of amazing manicures with shaky-as-fuck adderall hands. Also, I'm way too proud of this.
I just want to slap everyone in the face that's happy being sober. Loser.
I snuck out three pillows from the hotel i was rolling so hard. They are like little clouds. I regret nothing.
A guy from tinder a while ago who sent me dick pics straight out the gate is a tech on my dad's hospital floor. I was wondering why he looked familiar and why he never took my dads vitals when I was in the room
it’s about to be september and all i keep thinking is what if i go (another) full calendar year without having sex?
My parents left me the house for the weekend...you know what that means?!
Harry Potter marathon and no pants.
Randomize
