Call me when you're up
Great dream, you were in it
worst experience of my life. her nipples were sick. kinda like a venn diagram
Jon and Kate. Drink everytime we see tears. Drink twice if a child cries. Finish your bev if you cry.
Your grammar in that last text message was so awful.. My vagina wants to go crawl in a hole, and never speak to you again.
When I woke up my bed had been moved to the middle of my living room, a hippie was spooning me on one side and a pile of cocaine on the other, did I go through a time warp or are we still in 2012?
He stopped in the middle of having sex to ask me what shampoo I use. Apparently my hair smelled good
I need you to know that everytime my toddler does the downward facing dog in the nude I think about the night you and your dude fell in love.
Help everyone's hot
Men are hot women are hot non-binary people are hot aliens are hot
Tonight I celebrated marriage equality by letting a girl I don't know kiss me at the club.
I'm dedicating this beer to drunk texting
10 shots in she's sitting on the floor using the open dishwasher door as a plate to eat her "life giving" pizza.
Me too...I'm driving to work trying to figure out if I put my pants on the right way.
She slapped a big dramatic bandage on my arm and people started buying me drinks...I plan on wearing a full body cast tomorrow night.
I just gave a fucking twenty minute blowiob.. I'm a GOOD girlfriend.
My penis definitely considers my Captain Cock costume a success
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