i just found a plastic monkey in my sweatshirt pocket
Umm I had a plastic mermaid in my pants......
Really
You win
he broke up with me so i peed in his bed
i just saw a woman using her birth control packet as a wallet.
i forgot how awkward it is to meet new people sober
The Swedes wanted a tensome.
your ex girlfriend just barged in my house, drunk, mumbled something about "car strip", and put a huge hole in my drywall with her head.
Cause I came home. Im covered in green marker and jack daniels. Theres a taco and the words "we went to Mexico" on my wrist. Im a walking abomination.
This guy just asked me to stab his arm with my keys to make sure he wasn't dying.
The bag I'm bringing home for the weekend: a change of clothes, workout shoes, and sex toys, that's it.
You kept trying to make people drink "salsa-ritas." But all you did was dump tequila in a half full jar of salsa, and shove it in people's faces while shouting at them.
downside - we got stuck at the intersection before the santa clause parade started and had to wait for it to end. upside - i got frontrow seats and a blow job to the santa clause parade.
Everyone thinks it's an okay idea now until I'm overdoing it on the vodka/clubs, dancing on a table, trying to make out with the groom.
We are gonna have a bake sale and the preceded will go towards the abortion
All of my friends are talking about changing their lives because they have an alcohol addiction and I'm over here reminding my boss that it's national beer day.
You left your phone here
Wait...
Randomize
