oh my god I didn't know your sister was this good at french kissing
fighting downstairs. join me tonight to hear their makeup sex. also, let's make skittles vodka.
im sitting at a bagel shop wearing a princess crown hungover and have a sweater that is not mine.
Hillary is trying to make pickle pops with vodka and sell them to kids at the ball park.
I may or may not be taking a bath listening to the Phantom of the Opera. This lovely moment brought to you by xanax.
Remember that pineapple I soaked in vodka last month? Just found it- nothing is growing on it? Think it's safe?
to whom it may concern. if i am dead in colleens bed it is not her fault i slept in my scarf. my dads middle name is ronald.
I'm sorry I didn't respond. I had a shit day. However, I just masturbated to Adele's Rolling In the Deep while crying. It was oddly therapeutic.
Would it be weird if I congratulated the guy who almost broke up my marriage for working on the marriage equality bill? You know, thanks for fighting for the sanctity of marriage. Weird, right?
He has a baby picture of himself on the night stand. I don't think this whole 'one night stand' thing is for me.
My father has a definite type: blonde, busty, 18-22. It was awkward when I was in college, but now I'm over it. I play wingman for him and he buys me expensive purses for the assistance in getting him hooked up with girls younger than me. Win-win.
he's drunk and referred to his shoes as foot condoms
I just found a contact in my phone named "Nick from The Party". Who's nick?
got cock blocked by the cops again. two of the cops were the same ones from that t bell incident and they recognized me... they still dont like me
Apparent my drunk ass was so dedicated to taking a piss, when I walked across the dance floor to get to the bathroom a 9/10 broad tried to dance with me and I just pushed her aside, like hard enough to send her a few feet from where she was standing, pointed at her and said "Not now chief, gotta rock a mean one."
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