my head feels like I tried to put alcohol out of business last night
You kept hiding marshmallows in the freezer saying "they would never think to look here"
The only thing worse than cracking my rib on a slip and slide was having the doctors laugh when they found out in my medical history that I did this exact same thing last summer.
Threw a lawn chair at the neighboors dog. I think I killed him. Come here and assess this
That's why she's the girl with her life together and you're the girl with the penis drawn on your car.
Before I left he insisted on serenading me with a ukalele. I might be a little bit in love
This is America. Deny every slut accusation or own up to it
god, I have more takeout restaurants in my contacts than friends
Because the guy guy doing the drawing either wanted to bone, or wanted us to stop entering the contest. Either way, we got concert tickets so I'm cool with both scenarios.
Dude. Where are you? There's a hot chick drunkenly dancing on the bar and aggressively taking shots to Pink songs. She looks like she needs a rebound. Get. Here. Now.
FUCK NYC TRAFFIC.
If the sex wasn't incredible why would I compare it to cheesy tots
You kidnapped her dog. I don't care that you and the dog are epic bros, that's just not cool. Return him.
I just want to meet a nice normal guy that doesn't want me to taze him while we have sex. . . . .is that too much to ask for?
He was out clubbing with his SON. WHY did you let me KISS HIM? Also WHERE WAS HIS SON?!
And I mentioned the burning debate about your circumcision in my Christmas card to your mom.
Randomize
