he like comes into my room and is like..."can you fix my pants" and then just drops trou
on the way home the dog started throwing up her bone in the car..so naturally i started to puke too
You know when its a good night when you have to be reminded IHOP is a family establishment.
You got my ass fired just for knowing you
thanks for the bacon
He's cheating on his wife, and he's judging me for eating McDonalds
NEVER LET ME DO THIS AGAIN I FEEL LIKE I'M GONNA SHIT MYSELF TO DEATH ARGHHHHHGHHG IS THIS WHAT DYSENTERY FEELS LIKE
The bouncer was just about to kick Sarah out for getting with this guy 'too physically'. I told him that was 'her style' and he let them stay. Banter.
I'm just gonna go with where the wind takes me. if it takes me to his dick, so be it.
She told me her last name, which as you know is my #1 turn-off.
I can already tell, the amount of fun I'm having right now is not nearly going to compensate for the amount of "let us never speak of this again" I'm gonna have tomorrow
I wish you looked at me the way you looked at my brothers penis
Our night has progressed to doing coke off a laundry machine through a parking ticket
Yeah, everything was going great until the mugging.
He said watch this and then went and tripped into a group of 40 year old women, now he's leaving the club with them.
Looking back, we probably shouldn't have chased alcohol with more alcohol
There's a difference tho. *I* drink at seven in the morning because I work graveyards. YOU drink at seven in the morning cause you're an alcoholic.
Randomize
