I think i ate a live goldfish last night. that i caught with my hand in a kiddie pool. my stomach really hurts.
Hey was my sperm eye the same day I crapped myself?
I left a bag of circus animal cookies in my car all day. they melted together into on giant cookie. this could either be the best or worst thing ever
We had to coat check the pizza.
I refuse to have another spring break doomed by pregnancy.
There's a fried egg and an empty bottle of reddiwhip in the parking lot. Did you have fun last night?
Don't forget: you only show your tits for the good beads. Be judicious.
Remember when we saw my neighbor taking dick pics of himself? He's back at it!
Caleb has a beard comb now. Also I have a pube comb now too. May or may not be related incidents
It felt like a sumo wrestler slapped me. With a wet hand. 8 times in a row.
multitasking: i'm now sitting up and smoking my joint.
He woke up, yelled "RALLY!" and then puked in my glove compartment
Ok so I didn't mean for his first impression of me to be lying face down on his roommates bedrooms floor throwing up my jäger but it happened. Atleast my ass looked good in those jeans. Think I still have a shot?
The minute he showed me his Mumford and sons tattoo is the minute i could literally feel my pussy dry up
Started mixing booze directly into the 2 liters and carrying them around. Mixing less often, and now kind of weightlifting,so double effecient.
Randomize
