im six kinds of drunk right now
at the resort hottubing with french twins, who brought champange. this should be a postcard.
Girls behind me in the library are trying to outslut each other with stories from last semester. I'm about to set my cock on the table between them and label it "tie breaker"
Why am I in a dog kennel?
It was for your own safety
I asked her if she was the outdoorsy type, she replied "I had sex on a fourwheeler once, does that count?"
Omg. I bid $3000 on a cave in Afghanistan on EBay last night.
there were staples in my comforter. what kind of sex did we even have?
He told everyone he was freezing their keys so they couldn't drive drunk. When I opened the freezer this morning, my keys were at the bottom of an unfrozen ice cream tub of vodka.
A conundrum I think only you would understand: how to classily post "I need a ride to the liquor store" on one's Facebook wall?
I just used a beer funnel to put gas in my car
Let's go get coffee and handcuffs.
It's all fun and games until you rupture a testicle
My phone autocorrected "shhhhh" to "AHHHHHHHHH" and I feel like that says a lot about my life
Also this just in, I think you could see my sequins underwear that say unwrap me through my leggings all day while I hung out with his family
I told you that you couldn’t eat fifty tacos, you slapped me in the face, ate seventeen tacos, and fell asleep on my floor
Randomize
