Um don't talk to me about fat. I just used my chip bag to cover up all my candy wrappers in the garbage.
Every time I remember you're bi, the world gets a little brighter.
You know your in for a great weekend when you buy the booze already in crutches
Apparently, I kept going on about how i'm going to name my first born Ramen. I think this is a good parenting move.
Lesson of the night- sweaty dick can get stuck to ice, and require medical attention.
He broke hus nose arm jousting with the traffic cones... We need to make head shots illegal or get helmets or something
I'm really proud of myself for not blacking out yet this weekend!
It's a Thursday.
What part of "he tried to put his dick in my ear" did you not understand??
So this is what you do on your hungover days off put your balls into an egg carton?
I'm bringing cupcakes to work today as an apology for my actions at the bar last night, my boss probably can't look at me the same ever again
I hope your face alive. Lemme know if you are breathing in the morning. If not. Whoever is reading this tell me when the funeral for this awesome mother fucker is and we will rage at that event. Kthanksbye
I thought about mashed potatoes the whole way home
Don't be alarmed when we finally get naked and I let out a WOOHOO!!!
How did people get blow jobs before text messaging?
they were drunk. and loud. and now they're drunk and quiet. or dead, you never know.
Randomize
