Every time there's an awkward silence a gay baby is born
Hahahaha do you think bella ever gave edward head?
you texted me last night and told me you couldn't find the toilet.
That explains the puddle of pee in my closet.
HE HAS A FUCKING TWIN. HE HAS A TWIN. I'M NOT DRUNK THERE IS TWO OF THEM.
I really have to stop waking up in hot tubs on Friday mornings.
i wonder if cab drivers are trained in the art of delivering girls back to their dorms on Saturday mornings. because mine was so nice that he dropped me off at the back of my building so no one would see me.
When i'm home next we need to get baked and go to waffle house. I want to see if the waitress can still guess my intoxication level and what i'm about to order before i even make it to the table.
I have a fantastic sense of humor but being called a merman isn't funny
You don't understand!!! BACON ROSES!!! Why are you not more excited?!
Hello my rib-scented angel!
Really I don't care what we're doing or watching. Your penis spends way too much time outside of my body.
Pretty sure if we keep hanging out on Tuesdays there will be no whiskey left for the younger generations or the universe will implode....tomato tahmato
Last night I recall my hair going up in flames. This is evident by the burnt hair smell that is following me around this morning
Also either i just launched into space as a rocket or my legs just orgasmed, but i am high as a soul train
I just bought two cartons of ice cream, 5 boxes of mac and cheese and a bridal magazine. Don't judge me.
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