who knew "i drink your milkshake" would work as a pickup line
I just ran from Santa Claus in Kroger
Yes, I am watching The Hills Have Thighs. And yes it is a porno remake of The Hills Have Eyes. And, again, yes, lesbian sex in the desert. Get the sand out.
who loves string cheese????? I LOVE STRING CHEESE!!!
you know...if you didn't give such great head little things like this would ruin our friends with benefits relationship.
Dude i think i got lasagna in my eye
Did you push me into the oil wrestling or did I elect to do it?
You said you wanted to do it, but I gave you a friendly nudge.
After 12 shots he decided to show us knife tricks. You can figure out how it ended
I don't know what happen last night but the fact that it's 9 am and I need to put my dick in something means it didn't go as planned.
If you would give me the chance we might have the two separate pieces of the greatest fuck puzzle ever.
July 5th AKA Day of regret AKA picnicing in a laundromat. Someone puked allover the comforter. Liffe of champions.
I walked out of the bedroom naked holding a used condom only to be greeted by half of my family. Happy birthday mom
This is my transition from small talk texts to booty call texts. Coming over?
Quite the smooth talker. There in 5.
That does it. We're drinking til we're pirates.
BECAUSE THIS IS AMERICA AND DONUTS AND TITTIES AND ALCOHOL IS WHAT THIS COUNTRY WAS FOUNDED ON
YOUUUU FUCKING FURRYYYY
I DIDN'T COME HERE TO BE SLANDERED LIKE THIS
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