I'm at the bass pro shop. They have a river full of trout and turtles, a shooting range, a full bar, and the patriots cheerleaders are here. I now understand why people are rednecks. I may never leave
i would bitch about being this hungover, but honestly im just happy to be alive after this weekend
promise me that when we are 32, we will look nothing like Kim Zolciak. Promise me right this instant.
I know it was you because you're the only person I know who gets drunk and craves soup.
Soup is delicious
I mean how do you tell a nurse in the ER that you dislocated your knee giving a blowjob to your boyfriend.
Very innocently.
Codeine + Boredom = Sprinting between my front and back door.
A drunk hobo just gave me a fist bump. Because I know what a womb is.
The fun I thought I would be having now when I was six is vastly different from what I am currently doing. Hurraaay sex and vicodin.
I'm going to get old and fat one day... probably pretty soon and I'm not going to have any pictures to show to my cats of what I once looked like.
It's simple. He fucks me at his place and I fuck him at my place. It's like man of the house gets to top.
So, I had a dream last night that involved you as an actual cloaked Captain America and a lot of weird sex, and I didn't hate it.
I keep having dreams where I tie him up and eat cookies off of him while riding him. Wtf brain.
She started calling me daddy on the second date and I don't know how to react to that
He was gone for 5 minutes, opened the car door and said, "Don't eat my shit." and dropped Chipotle on the passenger seat. He was gone for another 10 minutes and came back with Coldstone. That stoned.
Why do I feel so obligated to masterbate just because I’m single and it’s valentines Day...
Randomize
