She has HUUUUUUUGE nipples
And my dad told him he was a great looking guy. and then added "no homo" after.
I just realized I had sex more when i looked like a fat elton john. Fuck my life.
He threw a goldfish cracker into my toilet and then proceeded to laugh for 32 minutes. I timed it.
If i evwr doyble fist jack daniels and smirnoff again, i hereby give you permission to take them both away grom me and give me and give me a glass of wat
while we were making out your friend starting kissing my toes and all you had to say was "just go with it"
Ryab! Make hr wtop. Mshe make sme speee. I don want to pee. I want sev. He was so igbad. Redpo.
When I realised he had a girlfriend I just started telling them about my ex and how I write poetry about him. Which I then read to them. They just gave me pity looks and left me to finish my spliff alone.
All i'm saying is it doesn't matter how drunk you were, at 26 years of age you should always remember to take down you pants before you shit in the toilet
Just checked my voicemails on the work phone on speaker. Thank you so much for the one of you screaming "COME FUCK ME NOWWWW!" my boss loved it ..
It is a bad day indeed when you learn that your boy toy looks better in your dresses than you do
Visibly drunk girl eating alone at a souplantation just spilled salad all over her body. It was me
Can we table this discussion? The roommate is out of town and I have to eat pie on the couch in my underwear.
If Plan B had a rewards card I would have earned so many free tote bags by now
Being high is definitely not the perfect addition to this family dinner. No. My grandma trips me the fuck out.
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