I have no memory of puking on someone. Was he cute?
This is the last time I call a hotel to see if you or some random guy paid for the room last night.
We didnt even know he was in the house until he came downstairs and asked why he was wet
All I want in life is to get high, take a shower, and him to go down on me. Simultaneously. That's legit my idea of heaven.
Pro: she asked me to be a bridesmaid. Con: i only have about nine months to get over a phobia of midget strippers.
I have a fever. Last thing I need to do tonight is be elbow deep in old lady pussy.
he wouldnt let me in bed until i took off all the stickers i was covered in
My vagina is officially offended.
I changed his name in my phone to "Irrelevant" last night. Not changing it back.
When you get this divorce finalized we're going to mid evil times AND pirate dining adventure. We're gonna find you a couple of real men and make them joust/swashbuckle for your affection. My treat.
Everyone says she blew me in the bathroom, so I believe it, I just don't REMEMBER.
How drunk you think somebody has to be, that they think that putting out a profile pic like that can be even a slightly good idea?
I think I broke my toilet with my head. There are ceramic pieces everywhere. and I might still be drunk.
I love you man I just want to hold you and fuck you until you only know my name
I don't know who you are but HOW THE FUCK DID YOU GET MY NUMBER
I'd rather plunge my eyes out than acknowledge being related to either of my brothers
Randomize
