come pick me up. please. i just puked in my lap. bring pants.
I've seriously contemplated telling him the baby isn't his just so I can meet Maury Povich
... there are chew marks on my license. I have no idea.
it took me 20 minutes to get her upstairs... she crawled under a car and wouldn't come out.
Just shook hands with the bud light truck driver, thanked him for his service to our country
As i was walking home this morning some old lady was walking her dog and i said hello to her as our paths in life met, then i proceeded to puke in someones front yard and never looked back
No one suspects that a sweet girl who is excited about her anniversary with her bf just blew her partner at work in a communal area a few hours ago, so its cool.
What the hell do you have that is more important than a GIANT WATER SLIDE?
Vodka Vensday. With a Russian accent... It counts.
moral of my life: don't tell a guy you want to have sex with him. he'll get back together with his ex.
I'm at that point in my life where keeping an extra pair of underwear in my purse is normal.
Well there's a microwave in my yard now too. I fucking Bruce/Caitlyn Jennered decathloned that bitch.
I need to go home for the safety of everyone in a 10 mile radius, especially me
I fucked him on shrooms. His dick looked like a missile and he had snakes coming out of his ears. It. Was. AWESOME!
I had a good weekend too...although I cried about the dog in a drunken stupor last night...not one of my finest moments, but it's all water under the bridge.
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