god I wish I could record you sometimes, you're so neurotic
If I see one more commercial for The Secret Life of the American Teenager, I'm going to punch the next teenage girl I see in the uterus and scream, "Wear a condom!"
Billy Mays is dead too!
Somewhat annoying American icons better be watching their backs
just throwing this out there: period starts tomorrow sooo either sex tonight or not until tues/weds.
i get a bj anyways so it's really your choice.
k i'll be over in 5.
I just saw the host of Singled Out do standup. Holy shit 1995.
fireball beer pong. youre missing out
how is that even possible?
ove gloves.
be there in ten.
Did I happen to mention where i left my keys when I drunk dialed you last night
You fuck like a mechanic. That is the universe telling you that is your true calling. Take this as a sign.
only in a texas roadhouse would someone whistle while I was breastfeeding.
Turns out I sent a dick pic to my sister's ex. Grindr is the devil's eharmony.
sexting while watching Peter Pan the Musical! something just doesn't seem right here
I need a hobby that isn't dick related
VIVE LA RESISTANCE
Oh god, what now?
Ohhhhhh, that night......I need to stop drinking, almost all of my conversations that take place Wed thru Sun after 8:30 are one blurry haze.
Nothing says “I spent too much in Vegas” quite like eating a jar of pickles for dinner and planning on cream of celery soup for breakfast tomorrow.
Randomize
