Whyyyyy do my fingers smell like Chinese food.
it's so much work when my dad takes my car to get fixed, i had to take out the bottles, condoms, and my pipe
Stripperoke is exactly what it sounds...
Instead of medicine they should just give ecstasy. Also I'm tingly and can't find u guys. A gay man just said he loved me... :( / :)
You got in the cab and told the cab driver "we only have seven bucks so you better drive fucking fast".
I don't have to hold her hair back as she blows me but I do have to hold the ball on the Santa hat
I AM HANGING OUT WITH ADORABLE DOGS SURROUNDED BY NATURE. GOD BLESS AMERICA AND ALSO BYE CIVILIZATION AND PANTS.
Are you at a park?
I've somehow found myself in an emotionally abusive relationship with a married man who gives me drugs.
My life is quickly turning into a Lifetime movie.
See! Theres potential!
Oh yeah. All good relationships start with a threesome.
WHY IS THERE NO EMOJI FOR "FUCK MY MOM JUST SAW MY SEX BRUISES?!"
I got with him in my watermelon costume so ya you owe me $1
He didn't even get to the first chorus of Hotel California before he started convulsing on top of me.
Every day I wake up and there is no spectacular morning wood waiting for me I get so sad.
I look over and the both of you are naked, and he's eating chicken nuggets off the floor
DRUNK COOKIES
Are you drunk or are the cookies drunk or are these cookies that get you drunk?
Yes
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