I'm a simple man, with a social life most psychopaths would cringe at
Did you dl zombie porn on my computer?
She made a list of the things each of us had done wrong and assigned a point system. Guess who came out the loser?
I wish i could put a picture of my ass of my resume...that seems to be the only way i will ever get hired
just wondering who decided to put a cup of throw up in my fridge
You fell asleep leaning on my shoulder at the bar
You drink it until you puke in a vent one time and it's ruined forever.
It's like refusing a bong hit from michael phelps... You just can't do it
Dad had me doing shots of chocolate mint Everclear last night. I've never felt closer to him.
You want to groom your chest hair? You mean with a little baby chest hair brush? Because that sounds adorable.
She told me having sex was our civic duty. How can I not love her?
I don't think I bit anyone but I woke up to scrapes knees, bruises and new friends.
She said I'm like warm bathroom-sink water. There's nothing necessarily wrong with me, but she doesn't exactly want to "drink me in"
Don’t fucking talk to that dude from monday!! Ethical consumption dude, don’t fuck shitty guys
Our faces when the strip club was closed looked like the grinch just stole Christmas ☹️
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