One of my students just told me turtles are lazy and need to get a job. Fuck yes, my job here is done.
it's like i need an invisible sign across my boobs that says "DOESN'T HAVE DADDY ISSUES" that only old men can see
You were pissed we didn't change the movie to Eurotrip so you kept singing "Scotty Doesn't Know" over and over until you passed out.
Im going to buy a thermometer. If its above 104 im going to the hospital if its under 104 im going to the bar
I just wanted to clarify that I am not bisexual and had no intentions of ACTUALLY penetrating my roommate with a can of bugspray.
To drink from my fkask next to a cop car or to not drink from my flask next to a cop car
I can't believe I came last night staring into my profile pictures eyes.
rollerskate sex sounded like a good idea...
Look, you don't know disfunction until you've sat on the john taking a shit and crying while totally sober.
I mean, it's just pathetic when the standard is tinder and he can't live up to it.
My mom just asked me if I knew what Buzzfeed was. Then said she's watching the second Magic Mike for the bodies. Please help.
I just paid my school fees like a real adult who doesn't get accidentally drunk on a Tuesday night
I knew you were on something when you said you were a puppy and you ate all the frosty Paws dog ice cream which says not for human consumption right on the side of it.
I was just told that I'm the Sherlock Holmes of drunken sex. I'll take it.
She lured me back to her place with pizza and tits. I was totally helpless
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