Ur dog is a babe magnet. Reminds me of me
I just got called an ass for saying no thanks to a Greenpeace solicitor. I don't want the whales to die but I do want Greenpeace to fail. Conundrum.
Hey when I die alone will you come by often enough so that my cats don’t eat my face?
yea..i want to get out of new york for a bit too but for the love of god not to new jersey. that's like getting tired of the stripclub and getting yourself a toothless prostitute.
So is chris hansen cool in person? Or is it just awkward while you wait for the cops?
Just had a drunken guest at my hotel threaten to "throw a fuckin fireball at my face"
He just said he wasn't going to drink on Saturday because he was drinking on Thursday and Friday...we need new friends.
Be careful there's warming lubricant on the floor. I will clean and explain later.
Only I would come home from a random banging with beer and watermelon
Do you deliver to the black dark pit where I am? I think it's called.... The toilet? Right next to hell...
She only fucks to metal. I don't know whether to marry her or run for the hills.
Yes, let me tell you about the time I was forcibly locked in a bathroom when my ex-girlfriend was having a bad shroom trip.
I'm eating lunchables with a glass of wine while I FaceTime the guy I lost my virginity to.
My roommate taped his phone to the ceiling fan to simulate walking so he could hatch Pokémon. Lazy people will always find a way.
She looked like a cross between Jesus and John Lennon. So I fucked her. I feel majestic and powerful.
Randomize
