You know you want to come over later
1:27a: Um no
1:45a: Maybe
2:05a: Probably
2:38a: I'm outside, let me in
just to let you know, don't open your linen closet for a while until i come over with a cleaning kit and geek squad
I smuggled my gin and tonic out of the bar by shoving the glass in my pocket...mistakes were inevitable.
We found her in the fireplace eating dog biscuits.
she has an amazing ass but I need more beers to get past her horse face. It works out perfect becauseI can use her teeth as a bottle opener.
So the bump is from hitting my head in an elevator. Apparently I dived into a cab head first too.....
Dude. You gotta go home. I think I left the snake hanging on the chandelier.
Would it be totally inappropriate to have his frat and our sorority Teebowing our exit from the abortion clinic?
I think the sex rug burn on my back is infected, can you check it out when you get home?
Trying to stay sober at a family function but hiccuping so fucking loud. "Have you been drinking?" I hit on my cousin so yeah. I have been drinking.
I’m really regretting these suede pants.
Do you think in an oreo forest they would have rivers of milk?
whose shirt was i wearing?
his little sister's
what was she wearing
a feather boa and 6 inch heels
No one can explain why there is Dora the Explorer shampoo in my shower...
You told me that you couldn't come over because you felt like you were gonna die and that houses eat you when you die, and my house couldn't eat you because your house would be jealous. That's when I knew to take the bowl away from you.
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