So when jo picked me up from the bar I kept apologizing and kept telling her "I'm just a wittle donut"
I have to look really hot tonight because my personality is going to suck.
If relationships were based on ego stroking and meaningless sex, we'd be soulmates
The dog just did a longer kegstand than anyone at the party
Please tell me you are a size medium in men's clown onesies and that you forgot them here last night.....
there may or may not be knives in your bed. I would check
We shoved chex mix between her tits for her own survival.
I tried to show my boob for free volcano tacos at taco bell last night. Not boobs. Just boob. The manager wasn't allowing it.
googling pictures of Lindsey Lohan so that I know what to wear to court is definitely a low point in my life
Dude, he threw a pool chair off of an 8 story building. It was a successful night I'd say.
You're the only person I know who can be puking into a trash can at 8 in the morning in Manhattan and get a date out of it....
We hooked up for a while and on his way out he high fived me and said "stay weird"
My dick has a subreddit
I'm really tired of this guy walking his chicken in my neighborhood.
Just wore the promise ring dad gave me freshman year of high school as a fake wedding band while I bought a pregnancy test. I think it's safe to say that's not what he had in mind with that gift 14 years ago.
Randomize
