it sounds like her vocal chords are covered in pudding and rocks. come get me.
first time Ive ever had to stop sex to go pass out in the kitchen floor...
I just got a standing ovation when i made it to work on New Years Day. good thing?
I woke up on the steps beside a plate of spaghetti and a toilet paper roll ripped in half. And i actually think this day is gonna get better.
When I told my boss I'm using a vacation day for 4/20, he gave me his personal cell phone number and winked at me.
Brought out my three foot martini glass last night, that explains why I haven't left my bed all day long.
rethinking that breast reduction surgery... i'm tired of drunkenly explaining the scars to guys who don't really give a shit
some guy i've known for a week sent me nudes saying "you're welcome" i need an award for this birthday
Do you remember Kelly my alter personality? She talked like a man and would sing amazing grace?
When you are old and getting humped by saggy balls every other weekend you are gonna wish you had more sex with freshly legal boys. Your vagina will thank you one day. Don't let her down.
Were you drinking last night?
Because typically I don't associate the phrase 'Go sleepy time' with sobriety.
My parents worry about me having parties when they go on vacation. Umm no it just means I'm drinking and smoking alone on the first floor of the house instead of the second
Hashtag Pathetic
apparently when she asked me how drunk I was on a scale of 1-10, I answered "bitch I'm fabulous" and tried to do a sassy hairflip. but I have short hair.
He's throwing Skittles into my cleavage and some are rebounding into my crouch.
Well he's scoring either way then.
Grumpy Cat is dead and fuck EVERYTHING.
Randomize
