I'm not even planning on drinking that much tonight.. but I'm writing "emergency contact number" and your number on my hand just in case
You should be grateful to be my roommate. My booty calls always drive you places in the morning.
Canada: barely better than America at a sport they invented.
Can we comment on the fact that at five thirty this morning, security woke me up in the hotel lobby, in my underwear, and some random guys winter coat?
Oh shit. Easter I forgot. Maybe we should leave the illegal stuff for when Jesus is less present.
i just sat down and hooked up with this girl. after she left i called over another girl and did the same. this happened about four more times and i never left my chair
Just so you know, a 6'7" tall gay man, with a martini in one hand and a fairy wand in the other, is not a force to be reckoned with...don't ask.
I don't get hangovers. Except once. And there is a massively epic story behind that, involving so much alcohol I should have died, and 13 raw hotdogs.
The secret to finals week is to have an orgasm for every point you need on the test before you take it.
Cooked. Eating pizza. Didn't have a napkin so I took my shirt off and I'm using it.
EVERYBODY CALM YOUR SHIT
It's days like today that make me happy I'm not a porn star.
I just found your shirt hanging in a tree 4 blocks from the party...in the opposite direction of your house. where are you going?
I swear to god my spidey sense only tingles when someone’s about to die or you’re being a hoe.
I may or may not be drinking in a church parking lot.
Randomize
