to be honest..when i was little i used to think sharks can swim out of drains and eat people
And then i made him answer questions about me before i took off my clothes
Nothing says I've got my life together like buying a jumbo bottle of 7$ wine in sweat pants on a monday night
they were having a wine tasting so i tasted every wine...then knocked over an entire display of gourmet olives and was asked to leave... but they still let me buy my 6 bottles of wine before escorting me out
I went up to get a drink from the hotel room. And ended up getting arrested in the lobby. Spring break has not been forgiving this year.
God, for the last time, no I did not break my nose doing a keg-stand just for a nose job.
His cat must have been laying on his dick, because now my face is covered in hives
Are we on the same shift tomorrow and more importantly do you want your pants back?
Now theyre filling the kiddie pool water with boxes and boxes of jello powder and im not sure if thats a sign i should leave or what
This morning i put band aids over my nipples bc i was too lazy to put on a bra. Think I've reached a new low.
your phone died, so you started bawling in the bar
yeah that sounds like me
I downloaded the presidential playlists for offline listening. And Obama made a night one so we have presidential approved fuck jamzzzzz. Thanks Obama!
I'm not coming to work today because tequila
You should have just fucked me in the bathroom when you had a chance!
Is it wrong that I have to schedule a family Sunday brunch around my mom's weekly banging of my stepdad. And why do I even know this??
Randomize
