I made out with a fat chick last night in a hot tub... btw I am breaking up with you
An alarm set every 45 minutes saying "FATTY" and one every afternoon saying "CASPER" every day until spring break is a foolproof plan to being bikini ready
you decided to have a spaghetti fight but then you got greedy and decided to eat it all.
i proceeded to stick my hands in his pants while he continued to repeat i have a girlfriend
Hey ask him if he likes swappy seconds
The ketchup exploded, and totally splooged his face and the wall. You could see the outline of his head in the wall splatter.
When you pick me up at the airport, please have some sort of drugs on hand.
In other news, people don't judge you when you buy a vibrator if you buy a funny birthday card and bag with it. I learned that this weekend.
In case you were wondering how drunk I was last night, there was an unopened slim Jim in front of my door and I ate it.
if people come over to pregame will you hide my Oreos?
I guess I asked for the two old strippers numbers at the end of the bar and it turned out to be the bartenders mom and aunt...
he tried to have the "are we in a relationship" chat last night. I stuck my fingers in my ears, yelled lalalalalala very loudly at him and told him I would stop having sex with him if he ever tried that conversation again. bad person, or just being a realist?
Hey, before I head out, whats your policy on casual drug use and one night stands?
I will consider today a failure if my nipple isn't bitten at least 😂
Oh is THAT how we're gonna play mini golf
Considering what happened last night and how horrible I feel, I look amazing
Randomize
