Can we have unprotected sex soon?
Don't quote me on that, I'm a walking boner
Holy cold harsh reality of sobriety batman
Yeah, but I'm out of licorice and there's no way anywhere near here will rent us all mopeds on a Tuesday night.
how do u look a man in the eye when u own both his daughters V-Cards?
I dont think that drinking by ourselves on a saturday night counts as being "fun alcoholics"
The liquor store wont accept checks from us anymore.
I just discovered the Reese's pieces and sourdough bread sandwich. No signs of coming down.
You're the only person that can successfully use titties and Jesus in the same sentence.
I'm wearing a real bra and real shoes. I look like a fucking lady.
He was talking up his golf swing like other guys talk up their dick. Is this adult dating or just another flavour of douchery?
I get so many dick pics from him...He has an unhealthy obsession with his own penis...
I'm in my onesie attempting to spoon-feed myself cold soup. I'm playing freeze tag with my hangover. My hangover's winning.
For both our sake, we've decided to ban watching combat sports before sex
I'm drunk listening and crying to Selena. How's your Monday?
My chance to home wreck was right in front of me and I didn’t grab it by the balls
Randomize
