The funny thing about my wife cheating on me is that the guy probably has genital warts now. Sweet.
Every time we go downtown I ask myself why we live in Des Moines
We need to talk in the morning. The guy I was with just interpreted me taking off my earrings as code for "let me take off my pants."
My teachers should feel privileged to see me this morning, after the amount of alcohol I consumed last night.
He did not want a thank you for helping me move in bj. I don't know how to thank him now.
He ran headfirst into the atm. Thenasmed us what our spirit animals were...he said his was either a dolphin or a cabbage
Dude just read our convo. Apparently I was talking to you while I was naked. She wasn't happy about it.
I just had to give myself a pep talk to stop lying on my floor. Literally too hung over to function
Although, I did get to see a Raiders fan and his toothless girlfriend get roughed up by the police and dragged out of the stadium. So the night wasn't a total loss.
You said you didn't want to drink anymore so you started shooting vodka down the back of your throat using a syringe. Oh, and then you aimed it at my eye ball...vodka in the eye hurts btw.
We went to Denny's and he threatened to fight an entire high school track team by himself
GOIN TO BED BEFORE TEQUILA BLEEDS FROM MY EYEBALLS
Would you paint my ceiling for oral sex?
He stole my heart. I stole his identity.
Hey I know we haven't talked in a while, but I wanted to thank you for those m&ms you bought me for Christmas. Sorry I never got you anything then broke up with you.
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