I hate nights where "I found my underwear" can be considered a victory.
I baptized my dog in my pool last night because he snapped at my party guests, how was your night?
She told me my pubes were as soft as "fine wool"
Well he can play the xylophone with his erect cock... So he's got that going for him
How did "late lunch" turn into 8 solid hours of drinking??? I feel like death.
how many ponies have to be on my pajama pants to convince him im gay?
i think we need a new approach.
It all started because he put my damn phone in his pants. By his crotch nonetheless.
A stranger came up to me, pointed at my drink and asked what it tasted like and proceeded to chug half of it and then walked away.
I gargles a mimosa for breakfast. It's gonna be a killer Monday.
So apparently, after 11 beers, 2 pitchers of sangria and 3 rhum & cokes, the idea of popping a load of MD and jumping on the trampoline, in the woods, in my underwear was the best one ever.
You told him he looked like Jesus and that you wanted to fuck his face, I'd say your blind date went well
Thirty seconds is a long time in jizz time...
You're supposed to discourage my sluttiness not bring me hot Colombian men
I'm so high I have morphed into the monopoly man. Or maybe the Pringles guy. I don't know but I have a mustach now
Kinda thinking about going to my moms wedding high
Randomize
