everytime i listen to a chris brown song and like it i feel like i bad person
I think im going to throw up on grandma
Does this mean you'll turn into an Albanian at the next full moon?
Just gave my manager part of my viccodin stash-my job is basically secured forever.
He went into the alley to piss and came back a minute later with a case of Bud Select. I'm speechless.
He ran headfirst into the atm. Thenasmed us what our spirit animals were...he said his was either a dolphin or a cabbage
Im drunk with people I love less than you. fix it.
As she was leaving she said "You have an awesome penis, I hope to use it again soon" I need that on a business card to hand out at the bar
The two of us decided to throw a spur-of-the-moment parade and the next thing I know we're 4 miles down the road being followed by 65 drunk strangers
Yelling at the starbucks lady to write Beyoncé on my cup
I woke up to my roommate checking my pulse
It's like fucking tetris in this bed
Swiping left on your brother's Tinder account is possibly the worst way to learn he broke up with his girlfriend.
My school has hired a professional rum bottle juggler for our dining hall this evening.
Had a dick customer and the words "eat my ass" slipped out. He proceeded to lick his lips and say present it. I think it's time I quit.
Randomize
