Pissed on my Blackberry at the Astros game. Wish me luck explaining that one at work.
I was just walking through Burbank and saw a hobo using solar panels on his shopping cart. We must be in trouble if the hobos are researching alternative sources of fuel...
you just stared at your feet and said some shit about the molecules dancing and how you had just solved physics.
fyi, take the long route to the library. the "can i be your baby daddy?" homeless man migrated back for winter
Apparently I kept telling the bartender that I was going to set the Guinness World Record.
I wish i had more things to dip in ranch... That's the most stoner thing i've ever said
You tried to call "time out" during the sobriety test.
Count me out. I seem to have semen induced blindness in one eye.
Want to come over and play therapist and then fuck all the emotion away?
They're basically the Kennedys. This is the family I fucked in to. I'm so proud of my vagina as much as it feels shitty for my heart.
Oh my god he's laying on a longboard singing the song from cool runnings.
you put your keys in the fridge so you wouldn't forget your yoohoo
He tripped and fell all the way to the ground and then stood right back with out spilling a drop of his 3/4 full glass of rum and coke. It was like watching something from the matrix
coming down from speed on a 5 hour flight home from vegas is not a valid reason for calling off work the next day
so i said i had a yeast infection
I just don't know how to say "I want to have sex you with before you graduate" in a classy way
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