I dreamt Michael Jackson dropped his pants in front of me and I had to ignore it.
I've been emailing with a woman. I don't think she's into me, but we've become sorta email buddies. I'm hoping to meet her because on her profile she states she's into 'fisting.' Frankly the thought kinda freaks me out but I'm dying to see what kind of woman is 1) into that and 2) admits it upfront.
Its 11am everyones wasted wearing sombreros and eating fresh produce..cesar chavez would be very proud
that's what penises do
they tell lies.
Yeah but the gay hasidics turned out to actually just be real gay hasidics
I'm sorry. We set two Christmas trees on fire. Also the neighbor's yard. Also ours.
We somehow managed to get the sumo-wrestler costume into the washing machine, but I don't think the cupcake icing completely came off... And it still smells like tequila.
Unless you have figured out how to blow me through the phone don't drunk dial me.
he spent like 10 minutes trying to convince us that he was throwing up in the bushes on purpose in order to cut weight for wrestling
I just fucked her in her boyfriends bathroom... he was in the room sleeping.
I'm petting the cat while shitting. This is all I ever wanted
You'll be like the drunk Paul Bunyan someday with a giant grey cat
thought i saw a dude in a kilt yesterday, but then i realized he was doing a walk of shame. happy st. paddy's day.
I don't know how to explain to you that you tried to recreate the bit from the Dana Carvey show where a guy dressed as Bill Clinton breastfeeds a bunch of puppies
I climbed to the top of a stripper pole and touched the ceiling. Accomplishment?
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