He passed out on the patio with nothing on but his boxers. So we put our beer caps on him. Yeah he woke up with a polka dot sunburn.
fyi, she knows we call her the sperm bank. watch your back.
nothing says 4th of july like teaching grandma how to work a keg
you have no idea the dirty thing i want to do to your blad spot. please wear my vagina as a hat.
And for some reason I just want to have sex with EVERYTHING
The plan was to get laid... Now the plan is to survive.
Eating power bars and masterbating... That's kinda my life right now. Is this what having a boyfriend means?
she's the poster child for how alcoholism can be fun.
Her tramp stamp said call me maybe. You should have run for the nearest decontamination shower immediately.
One of the worst parts about living at my parents again is trying to hide how often I'm hungover, just quietly puked in the basement bathroom while my mom got ready for work
I'm literally spending $165 to fly to Arizona to have a sex road trip coming back
I never thought I'd end up with a prison pen pal through tinder
Went upstairs to make PopTarts, found the door open. Shut it. Saw a grey thing. Opened the door, found a girl sleeping outside. What the fuck happened last nigh
Woke up this morning to him making out with me in his sleep, then I had to go on a scavenger hunt to find a used condom before my roommate got back... it was under my pillow.
QUICK FAX ME THE BALL
Not how faxing works at all btw
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