I have glitter on my penis. Do you know anything about this?
i decided not to call her again when she started singing "goodbye my lover" as i was walking out the door..
My complete lack of self respect has really improved my blow job technique
your philanthropy is ruining my sex life.
We've been broken up for 7 months. His mom sent me a card with a brochure inside titled "How at Risk for STD's are you?"
Ryan learned the all important lesson tonight; Red Bull gives you wings, Jaeger gives you gravity.
We're at the urgent care down the street from you if you care to stop by
He made me meet him in the baby department of walmart where he was waiting with his pregnant girlfriend. Time for a new dealer
I have come to realize that my purpose in life is less musical and more as a filter of alcohol into water.
MASS TEXT! MASS TEXT! Your sad horny friend has finally gotten it in and can go back to being normal once again. You're welcome.
God dammit not the cupcake channel. Not when I'm high.
I was trying to pee in the bushes and the person who lived in the house where the bushes were planted started knocking on the window to get me to stop peeing in their bushes
This is your morning-after text courtesy of your very confused friend!! :) To discuss "what the hell were you trying to tell me last night," press 1. To laugh over your drunken antics, press 2. To pretend like none of it even happened (or to respond with concurrent confusion because you have no idea), press 3.
I don't know what I was talking about but I just threw up in ikea. You can't get out of this place it's a fucking labyrinth.
Drowning in science and also vodka. Hope you're having fun.
he sent a dick pic to my best friends phone for me cause mine died lol pretty sure he was regretting that night outta town.
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