i hope the fucking fire crotch burns his mouth
i asked him to tell me something nice and he said "your vagina is really tight."
I think I should have my paycheck direct deposited to the bar
we were canoeing in the lake and i asked if he was too drunk for this, and he said "don't worry about it, i'm half native american"
I just saw a girl on crutches doing a walk of shame. She is either super dedicated, or her night didn't go as planned.
I just think that exercising will really get in the way of my painkiller induced nap time rituals. There's gotta be a better way.
Fuck you for setting me up with the guy from the Nickelback cover band
Payback for not stopping me from fucking the guy in the wookie costume
I approve. Last time I was there, I left E's room to get a drink of water. Found M sitting on the kitchen counter in his boxers hammered and eating a banana. He proceeded to feed me the rest of his banana then went to bed with the lights on. You two will be great.
just almost had a panic attack because i couldn't find the granola bar i put in my purse. i miss klonopin.
I came to the party for him. I don't know where he went, but I mentioned being hungry and his housemate brought me a huge tupperware container of berry cobbler. I think I'll stay.
note to self: do not snort crushed up caffeine pills in the bathroom by yourself when ur super shit faced, ur face will fucking hate you in the morning.
the guy I've been trying to get with saw my brother's genitals before he saw mine, so that's my life.
What's Spanish for "I shouldn't have worn these underwear to work?"
So, if you eat too many protein bars, you will shit your pants. This I learnt today..... at work.
Last night I was the DD and was trying to drop off some chick I didn't know at her place. The closest thing to an address I got was "where the goldfish go."
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