girl you didnt miss much. except me passing out for 3 hours AT JOBBIE NOONER on some random's boat. i was topless, then completely naked. heard girls were throwing ice cubes at me. i was useless. remember nothing.
I wish I had my own personal Asian lady that lived under my bed so that she could wax my eyebrows and give me a pedicure whenever I wanted.
Taking my final with a coffee mug full of keystone... best semester ever.
I did my dad and i had to keep going back there to pick up coffee
please read the first 4 words of that text and consider punctuation
I made out with a bride-to-be last night at the bar. Jesus died for our sins right?
He called my vagina a rainforest. This is coming from a guy whose pubes are longer than his dick.
It's one of those things you just need to see in person at least once in your life. Like Niagara falls or some shit. His ass is the Niagara falls of asses
I definitely think in addition to buying paint ball guns this summer we should invest in a breathalyzer. That way every drunk night turns into a competition, who can blow over the legal limit more. The loser gets shot while hungover. Shit goes hand in hand if you ask me.
He peed my bed and tried to say it was just the wine. The red wine. On white sheets. He's not a good liar.
She text me that night and asked how the dick was and I quote my drunk self "average at best"
Like did he really think I just hit him up for dick !? It's 11:30 am , these ain't hoe hours
I'm mainly pissed because I shaved fucking EVERYTHING for this. WITH SHAVING CREAM. Men do not appreciate how rarely that happens.
He told me he loved me and I told him I shit myself
I’m literally lecturing this class on professionalism, while my body is undoubtably covered in leftover cum from last night. I’m a fucking role model.
gonna stay in tonight
and im a platypus. shotgun a beer and get your dick to this party. ive got some hot friends visiting
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