i'm sick of taking my pants off and seeing a look of disappointment on the girls face. i want her to be frigthened
my friend asked What a UTI was in front of everyone, letts just say his girlfriend was a lil pissed
my brother is about to go smoke a joint outside... he's preparing his munchies on the counter beforehand. I admire his responsibility.
Just got cockblocked by coyotes. This would happen to me.
Just spent the last three hours in the library successfully refreshing facebook
He's eating a cream cheese sandwich. He's obviously distressed.
I am solely responsible for the birth of their child. I mean, I did push them into the room and hold the door shut yelling "punch that kitty!". It has to be a sign.
Oh I woke up in my neighbors garage using one of their sleeping bags, as my neighbor was doing laundry in there.
I'm in the city buying alcohol. I just got warned by a homeless man on the street that I shouldn't look so pretty "in these parts"
Last I saw, they went for a smoke and only one came back. He passed out outside. I'm glad he's only 120lbs. I left him on the rug still. My mom is gonna be pissed.
Let's put it this way. Mom is bringing me a new shirt and I smell like lube.
you told me you wanted to be a soccer mom with a high tolerance then you put the bottle to your face
I am such a fucking liability at weddings. I ended up making out with this married 40-year-old that told me that basically if I came home with him and be a sex partner for him and his wife, I would never have to pay for anything again. Extremely considered it.
My six-margarita-deep ass just used a blow torch to light the match that lit my bong pack. Peak single 🤦ðŸ¼â€â™€ï¸
i really didnt think i was that drunk last night but the txts from unknwn #s that say i like your lace panties are def telling me otherwise
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