I can't get in trouble, i'm smoking a bong in the office right now
The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
Pride was great cause we really can now appreciate how far we've come as gay people!
Doll, if you're still fucking strangers behind the WeHo Sonic while high on E then we've come as far as 2003...
I know i'm drunk when the "men" sign on the bathroom sounds chinese
So the waitress at the Chinese Buffet totally just said "Adios" to a Hispanic couple. There's something you don't see every day.
Thanks for the birthday present, i had so much fun playing with it
Are you talking about my vagina?
It's like my work doesn't even care about margarita mondays.
He's my palate cleanser. He's my mint sorbet. He's my saltine cracker. He's who I fuck between people to make the next one better.
i feel like words won't express my appreciation properly so at some point i'm just going to bring you pizza then go down on you for an hour. fair?
A little boy in a bathroom stall just shouted "mom where's your penis?? Is it inside you?"
it's ok, no one ever died fom being sticky.
i've gotta research that and get back to you.
I may quit my job to go be a costumed Jedi at Disneyland.
When we missed a fist bump and simultaneously did the Rocket Power handshake I knew I was going to blow him.
The morning after your company Xmas party and that moment you're eating a block of cheese in bed wearing a sequin blazer and recalling all the details of your one night stand with a coworker who happened to start that day...fuck.
It's difficult to focus on bonds when you know your classmate peed in your mouth
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