my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
Phrase i just heard while watching the U.S. open: "Boy they have really trimmed it well, this has got to be the tightest hole in the Open."
nah, its part of my diet to keep track of the servings of everything i put into my body
how many servings is brandon's dick?
My coke dealer 411'd my work number just to see how I was doing and gave me his new number. He must miss my business
Hey since its national brother week is that eiffel tower option with your girlfriend still on the table?
I really resent how she stayed home and ruined my plans to watch sci-fi and masturbate.
I remember saying to him "Fun fact! If you lie this way it's easier to deep throat!" I even judge me.
It's 2:10 am I am sprawled on the floor of the kitchen drunk and eating cold chicken wings come help
My purse is like an anchor I can't move I am sliding around like an over turned turtle send help
This floor is really dirty send a maid if you can
HE JUST ALLUDED TO FUCKING MY FRESH LOAF OF BREAD
FYI the blow job was for papa johns pizza
I regret 8000% nothing
I was really hoping my 420 would involve a lot more weed and a lot less buttholes
The guys who program Autocorrect have never seen a vagina in person
Oh man
I hooked up with the lead singer of the band at the wedding. I am so hungover.
i just has to use a gift card to Target that one of my students parents got me to buy Plan B bc my bank account is -$0.08 so my 2017 is starting exactly how i pictured.
Looks like taco salad for lunch. I may have died and gone to be better circle in hell than I thought.
Randomize
