i just told my boss to make it rain at camelot later...what is wrong with me?
Nothing says "You're all grown up now" like setting up your 401k with shitty underwear.
No I'm not okay I had a crush on the singer of Tokio Hotel for four months and now you tell me he's a dude?
I asked him how he was going to celebrate tomorrow and he said "tits, clits, and bong hits"
All his texts have the signature of a date with a smile. I asked him what it means. IT'S THE DAY HE QUIT DOING DRUGS
You asked me to be the big spoon, when you passed out on the stairs
I have a video (on my shattered iphone) of a random DJ at some bar giving me a birthday shoutout and texts from random numbers talking about birthday sex. My birthday is in April... Happy birthday to me?
I told her I had the flu when in reality I did way too many drugs last night, haven't slept and don't want to sit through a 3 hour buisness meeting trying to figure out which voices are real and which are in my head
Lesson of the night- sweaty dick can get stuck to ice, and require medical attention.
I was tied up in bed before noon, the rest of the day can go to hell.
Just found a g string in our driveway, wtf happened this weekend?
At some point, you're going to have to talk to a tree and do what it says
Fantasizing about the apocalypse is fun and shit until the conditions that could lead to one suddenly seem feasible
i showed up really high and was trying to not be,so in order to not seem high, i got plastered
Man the amount of drugs being done at a wedding with a bunch of surgeons was disturbing
Randomize
