I have found the one flaw to the great pride I took as a guy to not have to sit down to pee...having to sneeze while peeing.
stripped for him at 3am on my childhood playground and used the swing set as a pole.
You were mounting an escalator last night, shouting "I have no health insurance" at people
Anne I just took two ambiens. I think my body is melting into my blow up bed. Like a stick of butter just slowly melting. And I'm alright. Don't be afraid. I'll be alright.
The problem with never associating with your roommate is that you never know if they're dead in their room with the door closed or just gone for the weekend...I sprayed some febreeze just in case.
It's ok, I may have just peed outside your car and used your whataburger napkins. Hope you weren't saving them for a special occasion.
I just found a piece of glass in my ear from Saturday.
I have to be at work in a hour. Can you sufficiently fuck me in 35 minutes?
This is embarrassing but i think i might have left my fake tooth at your house on your night stand.
Had to immediately delete the Bevmo email because I can't even look at an email about alcohol right now.
My 12 o'clock class is an all star team of my ex's hook ups
I just haymakered a dude with my face, can we talk about ME for a second and not the guy I fought?
I'd say it's his fault for never running us through proper protocol for "catching your RA in the middle of him banging some girl"
When you wake up on the bus on 139th but you're staying at 6th
133 to go
All I know is when I asked you how many fingers I was holding up, you said "Hippo"
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