"I want to just tie you up so you\'ll still be here like this when I get home." Actual words.
i cant believe u jumped in someones trunk just to get out of talking to me
I just tried to pick my 105-lb puppy up and accidentally fingered its asshole
There are some things we keep to ourselves Brian
My moms helping me unpack but im getting a little nervous because I dont remember where i put my dildo
I don't have a choice really. It's either lose 15 lbs by Halloween, or I'm going as a giant banana.
Got so drunk in South Padre some guy put me on a suitcase trolly and pushed me to my room. I flashed my boobs as a tip.
I just told him that with every paper, I'd take a picture of myself with one less piece of clothing. Who say's I can't be a tutor?
How long can I keep it classy to hook up in my old office building? Two more years? Does it get weird after 30?
Those tiny little fruit fly looking mofos. They fly past the phone and I grabbed them like Daniel-San
Aka reading hardcore gay robot porn as a steady trickle of elementary schoolers walk by me every so often and im still in uniform as there councilor
Who is also still dressed up as a pirate
I should probably stop opening conversations with 'guess who's horny'.
I wound up gambling on giant connect four with the bartender. I think he saw my boobs.
So, my eyeglasses somehow ended up in my nightstand drawer and they're covered in lube.
Oh no...did you put star fish over your nipples again?
I woke up with my winter coat on, next to a polaroid of me, her and a swan...so no I don't remember our conversation.
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