rainy day on campus = new personal fetish for girls in booty shorts and colorful rain boots
I'm sorry about your car but on a brighter note I did wake up in my dorm. That's something right?
Fuck you.
Birthday Coupon: This text is good for alteast 3 hours of Birthday Sex. Redeamable any time, anywhere, and any style.
all i remember is being at the diner with her at 3am and her storming into the kitchen to make sure the chef gave me regular fries instead of home fries.
Its not college unless your study breaks were to go throw up from blacking out the night before
Halfway through lecture, some kid in the front row threw up IN his hands. Professor held the door for him to carry it out.
It's tough not drinking when the bartender adds rum to your coke without telling you, and doesn't charge you
Operation: pick up a lawyer was a resounding success. Commence operation: football mugshot weekend
next time im at a party and go to fist bump the dude who took my virginity two years ago PLEASE STOP ME
I have to take a quiz before midnight. Trying to decided if its a better idea to take it now when I'm stoned or later when I'm drunk.
anyone who texts me today gets a complimentary picture of my mangled foot. starting with you.
ewwwww wtf when you left last night you were fine?
its like my brain is a tree and you are those little cookie elves
Don't try to sleep with work colleagues because he won't be able to get it up and you won't be able to look him in the eye ever again
I woke up next to my bosses toilet.i wish you had just left me in the neighbors yard.
Swear to god, somebody just drove by with mickey mouse in their passenger seat and he waved at me.
Randomize
