I'm at a work party and I don't know how to drink socially. You know, like slow?
dude, osama threatened the US again
dude. i slept with your sister last night
what?
I saw that as an opertune moment to drop some big news
you guys are cousins why the FUCK are your pants off
they superglued a cigarette to my fingers...i think I need to quit smoking.
True friends don't judge, they just try to have more booty calls than you do.
TOPLESS DRIVE THRU! I have no money and my dignity is at an all time low.
Yeah, he hid all the toilet paper and took a video of me looking for it before I shit my pants. Definitely playing that clip at our wedding.
You guys go ahead and have your romantic night. I'm gonna keep my vday tradition alive of angry banging a stranger.
Alternately I could tell him western classical is just a series of events that had to happen for music to reach the point where Beyoncé was able to pen drunk in love, which is the pinnacle of humanity's artistic achievement thus far
Because you hugged a homeless guy, and I paid him 5 bucks to give us our giraffe balloon animal back. That's why.
Hi,\n\nYou left your underwear in my Uber. Thanks and bye.
I’ve lost count of how many disciplines of science this conversation about Harry Potter has gone through.
I showered three hours ago and yet feel the need for another one already. This is my day.
He burst in the bathroom while I was peeing to hand me my beer I was looking for earlier tht night. And my pants were already down so I thought why not
A girl I had a drunken hook up with is on interventon right now
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