Sometimes, in the course of human events, people get lit on fire.
Just saw an old man buy two cases of keystone light, a case of milwaukee's best and a case of icehouse. Degenerate alcoholic of senior citizen of the year?
I'm so glad i pay social security
You spend 45 minutes trying to convince that pregnant girl you were with all night to have sex with you cause 'the worst had already happened.'
You've got more to offer than just money. Come on. You have an awesome rack.
She refused to give me a hand job while we were watching a war movie saying she didn't wanna disrespect the soldiers
What was she thinking? I'm not in the business of charity fucks anymore.
I thought he was being really sweet and protective when he pulled me away from the guy i was hooking up with, but turns out he just wanted me to get chicken nuggets with him...
Drunk at work, covered in Cheetos is no way to go through life.
I found Cheetos.
Why'd you print out every dick pic you've ever received and tape them to the bathroom walls?
I may have had several rum punches and then gone to the store and used European cucumbers to prove my baton twirling prowess.
Hello my rib-scented angel!
I wanna riverboat gamble on your vaginal waters. Just sayin
I didn't realize how hungover I was until I fell asleep in my math lecture, and woke up I'm my history class. How is got there still remains a mystery...
thank god my bra was in my purse... were all good
He had a temporary tattoo of Justin Bieber on his dick and I still had sex with him
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