i don't like sucking hair
If this place produced love children they would be born wearing Lilly Pullitzer with raging coke addictions.
you called me at 4 am to tell me you found the cracker barrel location where we'll have lunch next week
Just convinced airport security that im sober. All i do is win.
I need a second opinion on who's blood is in my car.
just woke up COVERED in glow sticks and glitter. didn't even have to turn the light on to puke.
For some reason I knew you were going to smell like strippers and burritos when I hugged you.
Before you become official, we should get a hotel room and fuck our brains out. Sort of like a going away party for your penis.
Oh yeah forgot to mention that I referred to myself as the oral sex heavyweight champion last night
The only thing that was weird was that it WASN'T weird when she got out of the shower and saw me blowing him.
Just drug him and when he wakes up be like "you just woke up from a coma, we've been married for the past five years." It'll be like the Vow but fucked up.
How am I feeling this morning? Well, besides the fact that my vagina looks like a pair of giraffe's lips and I'm walking like an over-confident cowgirl, I'm fantastic. Thanks for your concern.
At first I was horrified but then he explained that he shave a "soul patch" on his balls... And I was still horrified, but I went with it.
We were 6 minutes into the movie before we realized the whole movie was spoken in Italian. That level of stupidly-ripped
It does not feel like it was just this morning that I had a penis in multiple cavities of my body
Randomize