I need to talk to you about an important matter involving lesbians.
nutella sex= disaster
that's like riding a pigeon when you could fuck a bald eagle
hey..i found a takeout box with a half-eaten hamburger in it, the box said to text this number if found...
Do you think if I puke at the gym they think is because I'm going hard walking on the treadmill?
Holy christ fuck what has my trainwreck of a life come to just blew a 17 year old so help me god
He's reached the drunk point where he's trying to convince the family to buy falcons as pets. Can't wait to see how my steak turns out
It's end St Patricks day. I'm gonna need a leash. And a bib. And a rain check on anything considered dignifying.
We left his house because I forgot how to drink water, I was just holding it in my mouth and then spitting it out, needless to say I don't remember the sex.
All I do lately is eat steak, drink warm beer, watch porn, and avoid booty calls when I'm too lazy to take a shower. I think the apocalypse turned me into a dude.
Actually, I may scrap this entire plan. I just realized that I had sex with a guy with his own whiskey commercial.
I AM A SEXUAL NIGHTMARE
i believe in u and ur pee
I took a picture of you last night while you were drunk, trying to smoke a bowl through your nose. It's now your contact id.
The FEDEX guy just cock blocked me by getting his van stuck in my driveway
Randomize
