my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
A freshman just woke up on our back pourch... He swears there was a party here last night but we didn't have one
she gave me a handjob while we were watching elf.... it's that time of year again!!
Bad news is he broke up with me via text message
But the good news is I've returned as mayor of whoreville
sorry i couldnt make it to your birthday last night. i admit i chose being a whore over you.
Howd you meet this guy?
I found him next to my pants on sunday morn.
He woke up in the ambulance thinking he was still in the club.
You were high and telling me you felt like Pinocchio and that fire was bad for wood.
The fool I made of myself at the Ugly Christmas Sweater party last night was surpassed this morning when I walk of shamed 6 miles at 7am with one mysterious wet leg and no pants on. I think my mom saw me and waved.
I recorded his orgasm, set it as his ringtone, and called him while they were singing happy birthday to his mom. Yeah, revenge is sweet.
Can I just say I love that you have a kegorator on your wedding registry?
I wish him all the best and hope one day he can afford the surgery to remove his head from his ass
There is no such thing as a great breathalizer story. That isn't a thing that exists.
you were huddled over the toilet, throwing up, and every few seconds you'd look up and say "this is such a waste of vodka" then put your head back down and start puking again
Nothing says I'm doing some sketchy shit like coming out of your bedroom with your underwear inside out
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