Did you call me this morning? I was really drugged up and don't remember.
Have a good day. My vagina shrank.
Her "get-your-paper-done-early-blowjob" incentive is the thing that has successfully deterred my procrastination
my family just sang happy birthday to baby jesus. no ones even drunk yet
she said she'd blow me if I bought one of her sorority raffle tickets. Goddamn it's gettin easy
Ummmm yeah ..,.. All three girlfriends I have right now are chatting with each other at the party...... I'll see you on the other side
i would eat my own dick if it were covered in nutella
I can't be drunk. Sober yes. Drunk no. Spoonfuls
Why does it always end up with me crying in my car.
She had one of those kid princess beds. I asked how she expected to fuck on that and she just said "thats what the slide is for". I've never wanted to marry a one night stand before.
You have to keep an eye on her tonight cause you know how she likes to pickpocket people when she's drunk.
Why was I drunk tweeting incorrect Beyonce lyrics last night?
So I have been told that I licked your eyebrows last night
I sexted him with a GIF from titanic and it worked....
Everyone I slept with in 2016 is getting a Christmas card from me. Because I'm an adult.
Just renamed the subject of my sex list on my phone "grocery list" just in case anyone comes across it
Randomize
