3:47a: I take it you're not on your way over
I woke up on a futon with 2 stolen budwiesers in my purse, 5 extra bucks, a sucker stuck to my shoe, one sock, and a stolen copy of the zombie survival guide
please tell me this is not legit
So for Valentine's Day...I finally swallowed. I feel like I earned that steak.
I tried to put a seat belt on in the shower. And I'm 80% sure I ate soap.
I was walking around outside with a basket of eggs. I feel like little house on the prairie: hungover edition.
Her mom is home on her lunch break. Guess who's hiding In the Closet?
I can't believe they didnt cut us off after we all hugged each other and started singing "were the 3 best friends that anybody could have" RIGHT IN FRONT of the bar and bartender...
We spilled a whole bottle of mouth wash and then proceeded to roll around and make out in it. At least I smell minty fresh.
You called me at 3 am and I rode my flat ass bike that I dug out of my garage in the dark to meet you at dunkin donuts for a 10 minute convo about your mother and you didn't drive me home.
you owe me a blunt and a bottle of moscato.
IM WAITING BITCH. ANSWER ME.
Hold on, I need to find something to wear that says "I don't contribute to your daughter's drug problem"
Can you please help mom and dad? Theyre trying to figure out Skype, and its like 2 cavemen finding fire.
I smell like thanksgiving dinner and bad decisions. Its not even thanksgiving yet.
You know if we weren't hooking up I think we'd actually be friends
I fit in backpacks. BOOM HERE I AM! Like a stripper from a cake.
Say whatever the fuck you want about me, but leave my deceased cat out of it.
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