sperm doesn't mix with malibu too well
he didn't want to fuck because he was too busy skateboarding. what are we 12? I'm too old for this shit.
She called herself a train and then took off all her clothing. I forget everything after that.
I saw you two flinging Jello at the sidewalk if that helps jog your memory.
Yeah I tried to leave with 3 drinks and the bouncer wouldn't let me, I slammed all 3 right in front of him and football spiked them in the trash can
i cannot be the only guy who has bought the every day with rachael ray magazine for use as porn
If it was any colder outside, the frost from my breath would make a mixed drink
This is my punishment for trynna have a festive time with a stranger. I always forget you can't get weird with one night stands
I was full on naked standing in his room and I just said "this isn't me" and left.
He met a girl at a stop light and managed to give her his number while driving down the highway.
He's a cop. Do you know how many times I've said fuck the police? This is my chance. I'm taking it.
I always feel bad for the sober driver... Never been me but I feel bad... empathetic AF
So, just how hungover are you?
Not at all, surprisingly.
That has to be your X-Men power.
I'm hiding in my office refusing to turn the light on holding puke down stealing and shoveling down the meeting snacks and regretting my poor life choices. goldfish crackers are like crack to me right now. how is your day?
I told you about the baby at the graduation party that looked into my eyes and knew I was empty inside
I'm hung over and my mom made me go to church. I feel like such a sinner.
I need an aspirin and some dignity.
Randomize
