So I've come to the conclusion that I would cry if I had an ugly baby.
Did I happen to mention where i left my keys when I drunk dialed you last night
Where are you and who are these girls passed out on the floor?
and why are they spooning a flamingo?
they traded weed for a spot on our floor. be nice.
My cock is literally on the edge of falling off. Fuck Vegas.
Don't talk about his dick. That's mine. There's a copyright on it. Use with permission
she asked how her costume looked and all i could say was bars are dark right?
It feels like I'm breathing out my heart and it spreads through my limbs to my fingertips.
I can feel my ovaries exploding thinking about them.
Just sent my cousin to buy me a new bra cause mine is zip tied to a bar in the middle of nowhere Iowa
I just bottomed with the last unicorn playing in the background. I've hit a new level of gay.
We played table tennis, but used tv remotes taped to our foreheads instead of paddles. Every time your opponent scored you took a shot. I'm the current champion as of last night.
You haven't lived until you've snorted coke from a Pharaoh's hand baby
Would you laugh at me if I told you I think I burned my nipples?
This is the nicest bathroom I've ever been drunk in. The urinal is gold.
so at target i bought condoms, on sale undies, pasta roni, and martini mix. the old lady who rang me up asked "honey are you a freshman?" yea lady i am, thanks.
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