She invited me to an Eagles game, I mean that is almost better then if she told me she could only function with large amounts of semen in her system at all times.
We found them in a dumpster making out trying to get their privacy
how was ur day?
this is strictly sexting don't make small talk.
Are you sighing at your phone and judging me right now?
I made this pact with my vagina, though. No more heartless fuckery.
Remember camping when you drank 36 beers to yourself in one day and puked in your tent? Ready for round 2?
I told him he deserved someone better...then I told him he looked very fuck-able wearing nothing but sweat pants. We'll break up in the morning.
It's fucking New Year's. I can be soberish in 2013 after tonight. It's like the 30 years of grey area between Jesus' birth and death.
she broke up with me the week she got divorced. maybe I should grab a beer with her ex
Oh, that was the alley that I ate a pine cone in.
He wants to tie me naked and spread out on his table, press a vibrator to my clit and feed me ice cream.
That is my stoner wet dream!
I knew my bag made it because I could smell the fireball that spilled inside of my suitcase before it was on the luggage carousel.
SHE'S PREGNANT AS SHIT, AND I JUSR PEELED A CLEMENTINE TO CHASE SHOTS WITH!! COULD LIFE GET ANY BETTER!?
I paper cut my nipple reading mail topless
Get over your kidney infection all ready. You have been sober for too long.
Randomize
