you were crying and the really sympathetic homeless man offered you a sip of his whiskey. who was i to stop you?
A little girl and i are having a face making battle in mcdonalds
She started it, but I totally finished it.
Omg. Never. Take a laxative the day you are going on. A date.
no one will drink with you if you continue to listen to beyonce
My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
Worst relationship ever. Keep in mind I've dated two married chicks and a Mormon.
Well on a lighter note, guess who just threw up in the elevator
i'm forwarding you the dirty picture of that fat girl that likes me sent . i feel like since youre my best friend you should puke in your mouth too .
If we laid all the dicks that's have been inside of us end to end it would be as tall as 4 story building. 40 feet of dicks.
I caved man... I fucked her so vigorously, desperately trying to correct her wonky eye. My determination was relentless.
You are a terrible person.
I just try to be optimistic...
I didn't have cash to pay cover at the bar, so I traded the bouncer a Krispy Kreme doughnut i had in my purse
MY LIFE IS HARD OK. I HAVE TO WAKE UP AT LIKE 10 OR 11 AFTER SMOKIG POT AND PLAYING FALLOUT UNTIL 3
It's only funny because he thinks you had sex with him to rob him.
Can you get winded from lip syncing? I don't know how Britney does it
By the time I realized I was watching a Danish porno with muppets it was already too late
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