I just had to sit down with an 11 year old who threatened to dick slap a girl.
I wish we could go back in time and find our best farts ever
Midnight walks are trippy
I tried to do that earlier, but I was alone and scared, so I stole a happy Birthday balloon.
Woman walking into toby keith concert: 8 months pregnant, black eye, shirt on that has a picture of a boot and the words "we'll put a boot up your ass" with an american flag printed over--the sleeves were ripped off and she had a camo cowboy hat. Greatest thing I've ever seen.
I told him that he could only go home with me if he didn't talk or tell me his name
You'll get a boner for sure
Way ahead of you. Kinda awkward while paying rent but hey
He asked me to hum the Ghost Busters theme song as I was going down on him
Next time we smoke don't let me talk. I just said something and it sounded like I was speaking in hashtag.
There is a doctor sitting next to me at lunch talking about the engorged scrotum surgery he did this morning and I am about to lose my professional grown adult facade.
Apparently, the Mormons have taken over airports. I was told by a befuddled looking clerk I couldn't buy a beer with breakfast before 6am.
So none of you told me my tits were popping out of my shirt for three hours?
We told you. Repeatedly. You said you made it look good.
Dude, he wouldn't have sex with me during halftime cause we were rooting for different teams and that would be "bad juju", I had to settle for 69.
If we try hard enough and believe in ourselves, we can still make it to Wendy's before they close
My liver needs me to go back to work asap.
75% of the time I swipe right on Bumble for girls over 40 is because I think their 18 year old daughter is hot.
Randomize
